He deserved to be hated.

I felt blindsided and embarrassed when I found out

I never suspected that there was something going on

I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived

I felt betrayed and stupid as things were revealed. How could I not have known anything.

I felt like my whole world had fallen apart.

But as time passed, I feel stronger than I ever have.

I have confidence in my beliefs, decision and myself

I’ve been through the hardest things but I have survived. It was hard but it didn’t kill me.

Forgiveness takes time.

August 18, 2010

1:37 am

its been so long...

im happy now..

We are happy.. I hope..

August 07, 2010

4:20 AM

It's been how many days since last time I posted something here..

I dont know if how should I feel or react to things happening at the moment.

There are times that i ignore him (which i cant believe i did, I have always wanted to hear from hear even a simple text), and there are times that everything seems fine..

I dont want to ask him, nor dont want to start talking about it..

Im confused, thought at some point I tell my friends what happened, although not everything.

And sometimes i just kep quiet. most of the time i am quiet.

quiet in a way that i dont talk about it, even something happened.

he's too difficult to read. and i dont know what he wants. again, i dont want to ask, especially serious questions as i never had serious answers.

should i just take this chance of being happy again w/o looking back at the past..

or should i confront him if the things that i wanted to ask, but i dont.. really... bec i am afraid of his answers..

what i feel right now is, he might be back with his ex gf.. but still doesnt want to let go of me..

or probably just want to mess around with me..

saw him on webcam thsi evening before i go to work.. and darn, it feels good to see him again even just on webcam.

How will it be when i see him in person?

I miss mu tutut..

July 30, 2010

1:40 Am

Sad shift..

the love of my life is out there not missing me at all..

Bev is not here to distract me..

so sad.. =(

July 29, 2010

4:12 Am

Yesterday, i didnt have the time to write here.. well just for the reason that I have nothing else to say but being hurt and missing him...

This morning, Jaime did it again..

He sent me a message asking me to watch a movie with him..

I was like.. WTF is wrong with you!!!!

Like you can just send me message whenever you like and then gone again???

I actually said no.. Not directly but somehow it was like that.. I really really want to see him...

But sometimes... I have to say no..

I still love him.. i miss my tutut..

July 27, 2010

5:27 Am

And why cant he just let me go....

like be gone and never come back..

='(

July 27, 2010

5:25 am

He sent me a message this morning..

asking me if I ate already..

I didnt waste any time to tell him about what i saw yesterday..

and he did not reply..

Im so stupid! why do i have to hurt myself over and over again..

July 26, 2010

5:35 am

broken hearted again.... this time, i have to face it.. i am waiting in vain...

Nini saw the picture of Jaime's ex.. aparently they have a friend in common in facebook.

profile pic of the girl is a picture of them together.. i think it was very old picture, he still has a long hair.

I wish i had not seen that picture.. But if that's what it takes to wake me up and stop hoping...

I know he loves me..

But he might still love his ex too.. 8yrs is 8yrs..

i am so hurt.. again!

July 26, 2010

2:24 am

Last Saturday, although very sleepy, I was able to accomplished my passort..

Sunday, went to Nueva- visited my mom and my niece and nephew.. went to mall to treat them lunch, went on some grocery. I did enjoy it knowing that i can help them by that.. I want to do it as often as i can i realized.. I want to show my brother that they are important to me.. that i want to give everything I can give..

That afternoon after shopping with them, I stayed and met a college friend.. chat for less than an hour and then went back to manila as Jarwin sent me a message if i want to drink.

I'd definitely say yes, because i thought Jaime will be there..

and so i went there.. but no jaime.. but Jarwin said he knows im there..

Its really heartbreaking.. he didnt even checked me out.. to think we havent seen each other since May.. i am so dying to see him..

i want to see him.. so bad..

i love him still...

I want this to end..

I want to get him off my system.. so unfair.......

July 23, 2010

11:37 PM

I was trying to be happy today although i still miss him..

trying hard to keep the negative thoughts away.

I have almost given up. My hope for him....

and then he called again tonight..

My heart keeps beating faster..

How i love this man..

July 22, 2010

6:45 pm

:(

still no Jaime.

July 21, 2010

5:14 AM

still no sign of him..

i am so sad..

I miss him soo damn much... ='(

July 21, 2010

10:10 pm

Another day.. and no word from him yet,.

feel so sad.. :(

July 20, 2010

7:13 pm

No text from him the whole day..

I miss him again..

not sure if he went to the office, he is still sick i think.

i wanted to ask but.... i want him to text me first..

I hope he is ok..

He sounded really sick.

I wanted to be with him, I wish i could,

to take care of him,

and hug him, if that will take away all the sickness from him..

I love you.

July 19, 2010

11:01 pm

He called.

I couldnt be more happier to hear his voice..

i miss him so much.

July 19, 2010

6:30

I had a boring Sunday but a very interesting Saturday.

Bevs and I went to her friend Von in QC.

Got drunk and wasted.

Sang my heart out loud..

Cried to the tune of My immortal..

Today, got more interesting.....

He sent me a message.

July 16, 2010

12:23 AM

I was busy today..

But im still missing him.

What's taking you so long????

................................

July 16, 2010

6:45 PM

This morning, when i went home. I am a bit happy.. beverly and I are so crazy.. I posted something on my facebook and made sure that my privacy setting would let him see it..

I know im hopeless..

But I know, hoping, that somehow, he's still checking out on me..

I was not able to sleep really well.. I woke up and I remember him again.

I miss my tutut... ='(

July 15, 2010

3:05

Finished all my tasks..

Somehow, i managed to get him out of my mind for a couple of hours.

Now, im missing him again.

July 15, 2010

11:49

You be the sun
I'll be the moon

just let your light
come shining through

And when the night comes
Just like the moon,

I'll shine the light
right back to you

July 15, 2010

11:30

Here I am alone in this empty room
And let my mind just fly you to the end,
THOUGHTS OF YOU STILL LINGER IN MY MEMORY
Wondering why my life is not that fair,.

I could still recall, those memories of you,.
The joy and all your laughter
The love that we've been through
Oh I can't believe, YOURE GONE..

I dont want to remember
The things we used to do
All the things that remind me of you.
I dont want to hear the songs,
Those songs we used to sing,
Cause I dont wanna feel the PAIN IN MY HEART

Talkin to mysef, for reasons I cant find.
Findin out why everything went wrong,.
Tears fallin down on my cheeks,
That Ive been TRYING TO HOLD ON
i just dunno if I could still go on.

I WANTED YOU TO STAY
The tears began to show
YOU SAID YOU CARE FOR ME
But then you have to go
And now I know, YOURE GONE

July 15, 2010

10:20 pm

In the office. Working my ass just to get him off my mind.

HURT

Does he even think about me?

you are always on my mind.